Life has a crazy way of teaching you things.
When I first got married I just knew that I would be with “him” forever and I dreamed of that fabulous life full of love and admiration for one another. Unfortunately what I hadn’t learned is that a marriage, like any other relationship is hard work. There’s no knight in shining armor whisking you away on his white horse towards bliss.
Instead there’s a lot of compromise and negotiating while two people learn to function as a team. My parents have always been together and most of the couples I knew were in long-term marriages but the rockier my marriage got, I came to a point where I had to make a decision to leave the team, not necessarily for myself but more for my daughter.
That decision was heart wrenching and one of the scariest moments in my adult life. Quitting just wasn’t an option in my family but I had to consider what I was teaching my daughter. There’s being an enabler masked under unconditional love and there’s taking a stand and being strong enough to let go of that which is already gone.
I opted for divorce so when my daughter was old enough to understand, she would realize that relationships should be loving and revolve around a mutual respect for one another. Not just settling because “that’s what you’re supposed to do”.
Initially my daughter was very angry with me. That was probably the most difficult thing to grasp. But I knew that she was too young to understand and that all she wanted was her old life back. Her world had completely been turned up-side down and in her mind I had become the “boogie man” in a sort of way so first came the sadness, teetering on depression, and next was the acting out to get back at me for “messing” up her life.
Now if you had the misfortune of having to experience divorce you can completely relate. But what are some ways to help your child cope.
Coping with Divorce
- Patience is key – divorce to a child is like losing a parent so you have to allow them time to grieve
- Counseling – utilize organizations and professionals who understand what a family goes through during this difficult time
- Never blame – relationships involve two people so when they go bad, both people contributed in some way or form. Blaming the other does not help your child. In fact it causes them a lot of unnecessary stress because they put into really difficult situations
- Communication – openly talking to your child/children fosters a safe environment where they can express themselves and work through their emotions. It also helps strengthen the relationship between you and your child/children
- Stay Positive (MOST IMPORTANT) – I’m sure most people don’t plan or want to get divorced but it’s essential to find the positive in the overwhelming negative. Staying focused on what you’ve learned and teaching your child how this was a last but necessary solution will help in the process of healing
I can now say that I have no regrets. When I see my teen and the amazing woman she has become. All those moments when I thought I was losing my grip with reality become distant memories, replaced by the comfort of knowing I made the right decision. Divorce is never easy, especially when raising a child/children. But at the end of the day you have to look at the situation and decide what’s best for your families’ future.
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